From mishka@worldgate.edmonton.ab.ca Tue Nov 5 09:30:07 1996 Return-Path: Date: Tue, 5 Nov 1996 10:14:42 -0700 Message-Id: <199611051714.KAA09852@valis.worldgate.com> X-Sender: mishka@worldgate.edmonton.ab.ca Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" From: Michelle Wilson Subject: Laugh Of The Day - Sat, Oct 19 1996 (fwd) Status: RO Date: Fri, 1 Nov 1996 16:43:39 +0900 X-Sender: ivan@ynucc.yeungnam.ac.kr To: mishka@worldgate.com From: ivan@ynucc.yeungnam.ac.kr (ivanova) Subject: Laugh Of The Day - Sat, Oct 19 1996 (fwd) X-Status: >*File Description: Cat Bathing As A Martial Art* > > > Cat Bathing As A Martial Art > > > Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick >themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in >their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt >where it hides and whisking it away. > > I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most >blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary, >the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges >that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace. > > The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he >must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary >and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in >Juarez." > > When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have >some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your >arm and head for the bathtub: > > -- Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and >lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. >Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to >bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a >very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I >recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass >doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain >will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain >quicker than a politician can shift positions.) > > -- Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all >the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and >know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked >into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army >helmet, a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket. > > -- Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for >a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the >water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass >enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on >your back in the water. > > -- Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, >as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually >notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as >a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking >part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney.) > > -- Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to >survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into >the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and >squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of >your life. > > Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and >the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for >more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you >must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. >He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing >himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't >expect too much.) > > -- Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume >this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at >this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the >drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's >because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed to your right leg. You >simply pop the drain plug with you foot, reach for your towel and wait. >(Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your >army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him >loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is >drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the >cat. > > In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your >leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will >spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become >psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. > > You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the >case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses >and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. > > But at least now he smells a lot better. > > > >****************************************************************************** >LAUGH OF THE DAY - A service of LaughWEB (http://www.misty.com/laughweb/). > >To unsubscribe, send e-mail to majordomo@world.std.com, with text: > unsubscribe lotd email_address >Where "email_address" is the address you used when you subscribed to lotd. > >For more information about Laugh Of The Day or LaughWEB, send email to: > joeshmoe@world.std.com >with a SUBJECT header of: > info laugh > >To subscribe to lotd, point your web browser to: > http://world.std.com/~joeshmoe/laughweb/lotd_subscribe.html > >The URL of today's laugh: > http://www.misty.com/laughweb/animals/cat.bathing.as.a.martial.art >****************************************************************************** >Warning - Material contained in this document might be considered offensive. >Please read our disclaimer: > http://www.misty.com/laughweb/laughweb.disclaimer.txt >****************************************************************************** > > > ================================================= ivan/ivanova gt. any spelling errors are a result of gloves being my necessity and dirty glasses If you knew me you'd understand. ************************************ Michelle Wilson mishka@worldgate.edmonton.ab.ca "Faith manages."